A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decides to test it at dinner.
Dad: Son, where were you today during school hours?
Son: At school.
The robot slaps the son.
Son: Ok! I watched a DVD at my mates.
Dad: Which one?
Son: Finding Nemo.
The robot slaps the son again.
Son: Ok! It was Porn.
Dad: WHAT? When I was your age I didn’t even know what porn was!
The robot slaps the Dad.
Mom: Hahahahaha! After all he’s your son.
The robot slaps the mom.
Showing posts with label women. Show all posts
Showing posts with label women. Show all posts
Women and the frog
Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the
ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog
in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I
will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said,
"Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get ten times of it!" The woman
said, "That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most
beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this
wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis
whom women will flock to".
The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will
be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM-
she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she
wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make
your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times
richer than
you. "
The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's
his is mine."
So, KAZAM- she's the richest woman in the world!
The
frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like to have a
mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't
mess with them.
Attention
female readers:
This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue
feeling good!
Male
readers: Please scroll down.
The man had a heart attack ten times
"milder" than his wife!!!
Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they're really smart .
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to
show that women never listen!!!
ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog
in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I
will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said,
"Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get ten times of it!" The woman
said, "That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most
beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this
wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis
whom women will flock to".
The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will
be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM-
she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she
wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make
your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times
richer than
you. "
The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's
his is mine."
So, KAZAM- she's the richest woman in the world!
The
frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like to have a
mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't
mess with them.
Attention
female readers:
This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue
feeling good!
Male
readers: Please scroll down.
The man had a heart attack ten times
"milder" than his wife!!!
Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they're really smart .
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to
show that women never listen!!!
how did the fight start
A woman says to her husband that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts.
Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."
She asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"
Her husband answers, "Just rub toilet paper between them."
"How does that make them bigger?", she asks.
"I don't know, but it certainly worked for your butt."
Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."
She asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"
Her husband answers, "Just rub toilet paper between them."
"How does that make them bigger?", she asks.
"I don't know, but it certainly worked for your butt."
i dont know
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.
God comes and says "I want the men to make two lines.
One line for the men who dominated their women on earth, and the other line for the men who were whipped by their women.
Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter."
Said and done, the next time God looks, the women are gone and there are two lines.
The line of the men that were whipped was 100 miles long,
But, on the line of men that dominated women, there was only one man.
God becomes angry and says, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves.
I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates.
Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud,
Learn from him!
Tell them my son how did you manage to be the only one on that line?
The man says,
"I don't know.
My wife told me to stand here.
God comes and says "I want the men to make two lines.
One line for the men who dominated their women on earth, and the other line for the men who were whipped by their women.
Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter."
Said and done, the next time God looks, the women are gone and there are two lines.
The line of the men that were whipped was 100 miles long,
But, on the line of men that dominated women, there was only one man.
God becomes angry and says, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves.
I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates.
Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud,
Learn from him!
Tell them my son how did you manage to be the only one on that line?
The man says,
"I don't know.
My wife told me to stand here.
thoughtful wife
wife says to husband, 'do you want me to slip into something more comfortable for you?' he replys YEAH A COMA YOU ANNOYING BITCH.
Helpful man
A man came to work on Monday morning with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened.
The man replied, “On Sunday, I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her butt crack, so I was trying to be nice and I pulled it out for her. Then, she turned around and punched me in the eye.”
The boss asked, “Okay, so how did you get the other black eye"?
“Well,” the man said, “I figured she didn’t want it out, so I pushed it back in.”
The man replied, “On Sunday, I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her butt crack, so I was trying to be nice and I pulled it out for her. Then, she turned around and punched me in the eye.”
The boss asked, “Okay, so how did you get the other black eye"?
“Well,” the man said, “I figured she didn’t want it out, so I pushed it back in.”
Letter to post office
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.
Sincerely,
Edna
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.
Sincerely,
Edna
Mother's day gift
Four brothers leave home, go to college and become successful doctors and
lawyers and prosper.
A few years after graduating, they are all chatting together after dinner,
discussing the gifts they had just bought their elderly mother for Mother's Day.
"I had a big house built for Mum," says the first son.
"That's nothing, I had a £100,000 theatre built in the house," chips in the
second son.
"Well," says the third son, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an SL600."
After hearing his brothers' boasts, the fourth son pipes up and says:
"If you think that's good, then listen to this. You know how mum loved reading
the Bible, and you know she can't read it anymore because she can't see very
well? Well, I met this priest who told me about a parrot that can recite the
entire Bible. It took 20 priests 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to
contribute £100,000 a year for 20 years to the church, but it was worth it. Mum
just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."
The other brothers were impressed.
Two weeks later their mother sent out her thank-you notes.
"Dear Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I
have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
"Dear Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries
delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."
"Dear Michael, you gave me an expensive theatre with Dolby sound. It could hold
50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly
blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."
"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little
thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."
lawyers and prosper.
A few years after graduating, they are all chatting together after dinner,
discussing the gifts they had just bought their elderly mother for Mother's Day.
"I had a big house built for Mum," says the first son.
"That's nothing, I had a £100,000 theatre built in the house," chips in the
second son.
"Well," says the third son, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an SL600."
After hearing his brothers' boasts, the fourth son pipes up and says:
"If you think that's good, then listen to this. You know how mum loved reading
the Bible, and you know she can't read it anymore because she can't see very
well? Well, I met this priest who told me about a parrot that can recite the
entire Bible. It took 20 priests 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to
contribute £100,000 a year for 20 years to the church, but it was worth it. Mum
just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."
The other brothers were impressed.
Two weeks later their mother sent out her thank-you notes.
"Dear Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I
have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
"Dear Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries
delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."
"Dear Michael, you gave me an expensive theatre with Dolby sound. It could hold
50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly
blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."
"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little
thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."
When do I die?
A 54 year old woman had
a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she
asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to
live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had
someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she
had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of
it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing
the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the
ambulance?"
God replied: "I didn't bloody recognise you."
a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she
asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to
live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had
someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she
had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of
it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing
the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the
ambulance?"
God replied: "I didn't bloody recognise you."
difference between potential and reality
A teenager comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned. "
The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?" His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would."
Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" His sister looks up and says, "Omigod! Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with a couple of whores."
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned. "
The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?" His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would."
Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" His sister looks up and says, "Omigod! Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with a couple of whores."
let's talk about our wives
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
teenage pregnancy
An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two
months. Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a pregnancy
kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this
to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and
distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit
steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father and the mother, and the girl and
tells
them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't
marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her
life.
Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a
townhouse, a beachfront villa and a £2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a £4,000,000
bank account.
If twins, they will receive a factory and £2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the girls father, who had remained silent, places a hand
firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,
"You sh*g her again."
kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this
to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and
distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit
steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father and the mother, and the girl and
tells
them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't
marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her
life.
Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a
townhouse, a beachfront villa and a £2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a £4,000,000
bank account.
If twins, they will receive a factory and £2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the girls father, who had remained silent, places a hand
firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,
"You sh*g her again."
Embarassing moments
I was having a drink at a local restaurant with my friend Justin when he spotted an attractive woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering his courage, he approached her and asked, "Would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responded by yelling at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't come over to your place tonight!"
With everyone in the restaurant staring, Justin crept back to our table, puzzled and humiliated. A few minutes later, the woman walked over to us and apologized.
"I'm sorry if I embarrassed you," she said, "but I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying human reaction to embarrassing situations."
At the top of his lungs Justin responded, "What do you mean, two hundred dollars?"
She responded by yelling at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't come over to your place tonight!"
With everyone in the restaurant staring, Justin crept back to our table, puzzled and humiliated. A few minutes later, the woman walked over to us and apologized.
"I'm sorry if I embarrassed you," she said, "but I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying human reaction to embarrassing situations."
At the top of his lungs Justin responded, "What do you mean, two hundred dollars?"
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